Hear My Cry

I cry to myself almost every night wondering how I'm gonna survive tomorrow but the tears are blurring my vision and my plan. I wake up to next day in my bed not wanting to leave my room or see the outside world because the feeling inside, I won’t be able to stand the day.

I hide my feeling from my friends and family thinking I can conquer the world and be the wonder woman I know I am but inside I'm screaming for help, I'm screaming to be seen, but no one can hear the screams. no one knows about the tears I cry. I laugh and smile thinking today gonna be a good day but deep down it is not. I hide from my feelings, hiding from myself.

I know my parents got me but I feel like I need to be strong for them, I don’t want them to see the tears I shed, they say everything is okay but they don’t know that the wonder woman who conquers all in me feels defeated. They help, I try to listen but the emotion overrides their words, I keep telling myself I don’t need them, thinking I’m okay. I am okay; the pain is gone for a bit but I know it is still lurking deep within. the next struggle comes, the cycle starts again. The lies will form over and over again, thinking I’m in control, always putting the flipping brave face on.

I know what I'm suffering from but I won't say I won't give it power. Because the moment I say it, it becomes me. That word will not become me, but my soul is dark by heart is grieving for my life, my body is saying wake up but the mind has already gone. People talk about it, I even talk about it. I go on about being strong, having self-worth, be your fricking self but I’m a fake, a hypocrite deep down I’m worse than the advice I give people.

I know I cannot cut myself or even try and commit suicide because it's against my faith and I want to go to heaven, even though I feel like I've killed myself inside, will God still take me? I don’t know where this came from or how it even started but today I feel is the day just to express my feeling, it’s all over the place, but that’s me and I'm trying to learn by myself even though I know I should seek help but I won't, I’ll suffer this by myself. I know I have God and I should share this with Him, so here it is Lord,

Hear my Cry.